We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
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DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.