You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
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It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.