Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
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Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend