I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
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Left at a local drug store…
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.