As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
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Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes