My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.