[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
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Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend