AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
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I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
grotesque if literal: baby food
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees