911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
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cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
i choose….tongue
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
it was love at first sight
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.