Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
So the ex texted me
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?