Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
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Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Me buying fruit and veg
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.