A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
You Might Also Like
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
No, he would not have.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I can fix him.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.