Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My first son he is wonderful
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.