I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.