My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
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Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.