7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.