“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.