Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
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If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.