My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
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Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
mmm onion ringos
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.