Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
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I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):