🖤✌🏽
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tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
this has done me in for some reason
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.