My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
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[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
this came to me in a vision
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday