No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
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I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Seek kebab; not attention
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do