If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
You Might Also Like
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?