Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Have a lovely day 😊
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
me hitting on a model
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”