DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
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Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!