1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Worst Native American name ever.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog