You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
You Might Also Like
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
🙄😏😂🤣
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker