How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
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Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Rambo Rambow
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter