ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
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Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
My daily affirmation
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways