I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
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There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no