Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
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HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Y’all ready for this
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.