Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
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[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Stonehinge
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆