Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen