I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
You Might Also Like
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”