I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
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Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Watson was Holmes schooled
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.