[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
“A little help here, Danny?”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles