My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
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I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
bad news gang
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this