i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
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For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.