Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
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I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!