I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Florida be like…
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.