CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
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My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Driving in Europe vs Canada
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
⛄️
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10