There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
You Might Also Like
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
How do dragons blow out candles?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
when there are deer in the woods
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board