dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
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[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
cat vs inanimate object
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Pringles
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside