Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
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GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My new favorite headline
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Was it something I said?