This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
When you let grandma cat sit
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
u spoke cat all this time??????
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
How do you like your Corgi?
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!