Horrifying if literal: foot locker
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Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
The Struggle
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
the greatest twitter interaction
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information