“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
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my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Just had my nails done!
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]