I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
You Might Also Like
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
buys donuts instead
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.