May you never lose your sense of wonder.
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Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
japanese corn
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank